You don’t know me

Isn’t it funny when you get a message on a networking site. The gal says she just moved to the area and was looking up people.
She says she saw my picture and thought I was cute.
And I should visit her page and send her a message.

But why would I want to contact someone who’s eyesight is so bad that they think this-


Is cute.

It’s always quiet here.

Not that I am complaining, but life goes along nice and uncomplicated.
The weekend was two beautiful spring days lined up together.

So we mowed lawns, trimmed some bushes. A little tightening of some fittings on the sprinkler system ran the sprinklers.

Some painting, moved the fireplace insert from the garage into the fireplace. It looks good! WG did a nice job cleaning and painting it.

Washed the dog.

Like I said, nice and quiet.

Now I could write every day, about my life, but I fear I would bore you.

Much more interesting to make things up, write them down and post them here. The only problem is that these postings are in reverse order. So what you see now is based on something written earlier. So if you don’t understand the contest, keep reading.

The Incurable Wound

It has been months since my trip to the islands. I still talk to my friends there, exchange emails, but something tells me that they had more of an effect of me than I realized.

Like most people, I dream. Perhaps unlike many, I remember my dreams. Some are odd, some erotic; but most are nice, pleasant, meaningless dreams. Since my return, however, I have been plagued by the most unsettling dreams. The odd thing is how similar they are. I dream that the three of us are together and that I am one of the three. It is weird seeing the world through her eyes, feeling her feelings. I have talked to many women over the years, but none have ever expressed feelings like the ones I remember her having.
Most involved the trio being out at night. Walking through darkened parks, dancing at clubs; and meeting men.
Usually that’s all there is to the dreams, at least that’s all I can remember. That is until this last one.
It is early afternoon right now. I am sitting on my deck and enjoying the warm sunshine. And yet, the thought of the dream gives me a chill.

And the dream started like this-
She is walking through the park, on her way home from a night at the clubs. Her two friends have gone in the other direction, back to their homes. Now a young lady should not be walking through the dark park by herself, but she feels no fear. Despite the darkness, she can see everything. She also knows there is someone behind her. For not only can she hear his light footsteps, she can feel his presence.
The path curves ahead and behind. She cannot be seen by anyone, so she melts into the shadow of a small bush. Moments later, she sees him come round the curve of the path. Tall, strong, handsome, she can see the confidence in his stride. She can feel his manliness emanating from him. She smiles to herself, as she feels the lust well up inside her. Her heart quickens and she knows the aching hunger inside her will soon be satisfied.
When he is almost upon her, she steps from the shadows and blocks his path. He is startled, but only for a moment. He remembers her from the club, bright smile and a hunger in her eyes. He knows what she wants, knows she wants it from him, as all women do. With supreme confidence, he walks up to her and wraps his arms around her. She wraps herself around him, pulling him close. Lips meet, travel; hands roam, their breathing quickens.
She pulls away for a moment and looks him in the eyes. The dark blackness sucks him in and he feels his will leaving him.
“You cannot resist me.” She whispers and he is lost.
Immobilized, he no longer comprehends what is happening. Barely notices as she sinks down to her knees. Roughly, she pulls his pants down and feels along his thigh until her fingers feel the pulse of the large artery. Overcome by lust, she sinks her teeth into his leg, ripping out a chunk of his hot flesh.
Only a small gasp escapes his lips.
She spits out the chunk of flesh and hungrily fastens her lips to the gaping wound. As she gulps down the warm salty blood, the feeling of ecstasy consumes her.

Sometime later, her mind slowly clears. She is standing over the now lifeless shell of what was once a young man. She licks her lips and savors the last tasty drops of his blood. She let herself get carried away again. Took it all, instead of just what she needed. But she knows she will not have to feed again for a long time.

Effortlessly, she lifts him up and carries him deeper into the dark park. She stops by a manhole cover and drops him. She easily pulls off the heavy iron cover and looks down into the city sewer. A good place for the likes of him, she thinks. She then reaches into her purse and pulls out a wicked looking knife. “I don’t want you coming back and hunting in my territory.” She says.
With deft skill, she cuts through his neck and then snaps the spine. First, the body is thrown down into the sewer, then the head follows. She easily places the heavy cover back over the manhole and nonchalantly heads for home.


And as I sit here on my deck, sipping a cold beer, I try to understand what the dreams mean. I am afraid that they are somehow related to the small wound on my leg. The wound that never seems to heal, but always stays an angry red.
But most of all, I fear what may happen to me if I ever go back to the islands and see my friend.

Night Creatures in the daylight

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
over many an ancient volume of forgotten Shaoi lor
--

I have been reading some old vampire stories from 1850 to1900. Some were hard to read, because of how the language is used; but most were surprisingly good.

One of the interesting aspects was that in several stories, vampires would be out during the day. Interesting how the legends and myths have differences, we accept the ‘current’ ideas in the film and books; perhaps never knowing the other ideas.

So then, if I decide to make up more interesting stories of my vampire friends, I can show them as out in the daylight?

This could make things interesting.

So, here is where it began.

When I got my first PC at work ( 1995, I still rue the day, since I was forced to move from MAC’s); the IT person said, “Give me a name for your computer. One that no one else will use.” I looked at my bulletin board and the birthday card that my Even-sister had sent me. “Warthog” I said.
The It person gave me a distasteful look. “Warthog?”
“You said to pick a name that no one else would use.”
“Okay.” She said.

Well, here is the card that started it.

(I'll see if I can get a better scan)

Year of the…whatever

Amusing, how you see one place say it’s the year pig, another says it’s the year of the boar. They say it as if there is no difference. I would be curious to know a better translation.
Different words carry different meaning.

Like the time, years ago, when a bunch my coworkers were looking over a copy of the Chinese zodiac and seeing what their year meant. Someone asked me the year I was born and when they looked it up, announced that it was the year of the rooster.
Then they looked up my friend Filet’s year. She read it and then turned to me and said, “Hey Warty, it says here that my best friend’s a cock!”

It took ten minutes for the laughter to die down.

Taking it to the next level.

I have always enjoyed jokes about people hearing voices and what the voices say.
--
The other day, NDN comes over to say hi and she is wearing a great T-shirt. It says,
I hear voices
And they don’t like you!

I immediately thought of this scenario:
There is a couple sitting in a café. She is breaking up with the guy and she says: “Honestly, it not you, it’s me.” Then she hits her head with the palm of her hand. “Actually, it’s the voices I hear. And they don’t like you!”
--
The other day we were visiting WG’s Aunt Obie. She said the doctor was a little concerned because her heart murmur was a little louder and he wanted to run some tests. She said didn’t even know she had a heart murmur.
“And you thought you were starting to hear voices!” I said. Aunt Obie had a good laugh over that one.

Chasing something?

If I lay here, if I just lay here.
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Snow Patrol

I like the song a lot; I can understand the feeling. Last week, this song woke me three different times. Not a good song to wake up to. For after I turned the alarm off, I rolled over and snuggled next to my wife. Could I just lie there? Let the world spin outside our door? It can wait. It’s so much better just lie there with my head next to hers, feel her warmth.
But of course I can’t. So I give her a little kiss on the cheek and say, “Good morning honey. It’s time to get up.”
She turns and looks at me through half opened eyes and smiles at me. A soft warm hug is shared, the world is still far away.

But the lines of the song haunt me on the dog walk. For I am not fully awake and my mind makes odd connections. One of those odd connections is to something an old friend of mine asked me almost two years ago. We were chatting on the phone and out of the blue she asked me-
“If I had asked you to marry me, would you have said yes?”
During the next two seconds, I had to jump back to a time long ago. I was what? Maybe nineteen? Twenty? How did I really feel about her?
“Yes, I would have.”
I don’t remember the next thing she said and the conversation shifted to something else.

But I felt a certain disquiet from her question, for it’s not something I ever thought about. When a relationship ends, it ends. You don’t sit and wonder about ‘might have been’, unless…

For you can endlessly wonder what would have happened if you asked the shy girl out? If you went left, not right? If she offered you a cup of coffee, instead of the glass of wine? All those times you made a choice, or a choice was made for you.

I haven’t thought much about what if’s, for my life has been good. And it continues to be good. All the choices I have made have lead me here, lying next to WG each morning, wishing the world would stay away for just a few more minutes, so I could enjoy just us.

The disquiet comes from the thought that my friend doesn’t might not feel the same as I, when she is lying next to her husband. I hope not, for I would like to think, hope, that she is as happy as I am.

And it would bother me immensely if I knew she was wondering if perhaps she should have asked me.

Don’t ask, I won’t tell

The other night, I dreamt I was staying at…, well let us just say the house of a certain female. And in this dream, in the middle of the night, she crawled into my bed; naked and glorious!
(I know that’s redundant. All women, when naked, are glorious. But I digress.)
Warm, and wonderful, I remember her pretty face. The warmth of her soft, smooth skin; the feel of her ample br...in my hands.
(okay, maybe not quite as ample in real life, but this is a dream.)

I was thinking about the dream, as I walked the dog this morning. This is one of those things that you just don’t tell a person. Especially her. For I am certain that if she knew I had a dream where we…, well she would probably spend the next few hours trying to scrub off the imaginary taint of where I might have touched her.

What is most amusing is that she was the subject of a dream. For in real life, it would never happen. I am just not her type. But that’s okay. It’s better that way. We know who we are. We know and respect each other’s personal boundaries, know which lines we will never cross. And is because of them, we can be friends. Friends without all that sex stuff getting in the way.

Which means we can be friends for a long time.

Darkness Never Falls

It can be fun to take little phrases, combine them is such a way, that they are twisted into something quite unexpected.

Take my friends I call my Night Creatures. I call them that, for they work by night on the graveyard shift.
Take also the phrase they have used when I hesitate to help them; ‘You know you can’t resist me!’
--
It was early evening, as I walked through the park to meet them. The hot tropical sun had just gone down and the shadows were coming out to play. As I watched the shadows grow I realized; darkness never falls. It slowly pools around the trees and shrubs, filling the low-lying areas. It fills the gaps between things and slowly obscures the ground. Soon the area along the path is hard to see, even if the sky still has a faint glow. The stars begin to come out as the land around slips into the night.
And then I see them, coming down the path. Smiles on their faces as they see me. Happy faces in the darkness. Hungry to see me, desiring my company. Their diaphanous gowns shroud their subtle curves and shapes. All dressed up to go someplace special. They were mysterious, when I asked them where they were taking me.

They seemed a little different, as they got closer, almost gliding along the path. Their smiles were a little different too. Subtle changes that I barely noticed.
Silently, they flowed closer; until they stood before me. My gaze swept over them and was caught by the small one’s eyes. Dark eyes, so much darker than I ever notice before. The black void sucked me in until all I could see was her eyes. Hungry for something. I tried to pull my gaze away, look at anything else. “You cannot resist me.” She said as she smiled. I couldn’t focus on her bright white smile, I only felt it. Felt the hunger emanating from her, waves of desire washed over me, augmented by the hunger from the other two.
They moved close to me and I felt their hands on me. One wrapped her arms around my waist and the other two put an arm around me.
“You cannot resist us.” She said as one hand slid up to my neck. She pulled my head down to her and I felt her lips on my neck. Strange, her lips felt cold.

The alarm slowly penetrated my stupor and my eyes resisted opening. Bright sunlight streamed through the hotel window and hurt my eyes. I crawled out of the bed and tried to stand. I wondered what I had drunk the night before; what caused me to feel so weak.
I stumbled to the bathroom and made a pot of coffee. While it brewed, I climbed into the shower. The hot water felt good but made me too relaxed. It made it cooler and that seemed to help me wake up.
I still felt weak, when I emerged from the shower. I poured myself some coffee, hoping it would wake me up.
Just as I was about to shave, I noticed two red welts on the inside of my arm. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that there were more welts on my other arm and my leg.
‘Damn!’ I thought. ‘Bedbugs!’ After all, what else could cause the bites on my skin.

I struggled to pack and then went down to the restaurant to have a late breakfast. I was feeling starved and ate much more then I should. Then it was back to my room and pack my last few things.
The rest of the day was a blur and hard to remember. I nodded off on the cab ride and again in the terminal. I was so glad to get onboard the airplane and sink into the oversized seat in business class. As I lay in my seat and sleep began to overtake me, I remembered something from the night before.

I was looking in her eyes, lost in their black void. I heard her say, “He will be mine.”
“We want him too.” Was their answer.
“He can only belong to one and I am the strongest.” Their silence was their assent.
She pulled her gown off one shoulder, exposing the strangely pale skin above her breast. With her other hand, she drew a sharp fingernail across her skin, cutting a slit in her skin. As the bright red blood flowed out of the wound, she grabbed my head and pulled me to her chest. I felt her blood on my lips, tasted the cool saltiness.
“Drink!” She commanded.
I drank, though I tried not to.
“Now,” she said, “you will be flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood.”

And darkness took me.

Two Scenarios

Odd event at Radio Shack
I was standing in line at the store and I noticed the young woman in front of me. She kept looking at someone/something behind me and to the left. It just seemed like she was nervous, maybe doing something she wasn’t supposed to. She was maybe late teens, early 20’s; 5’3”, Asian, black hair.
She paid cash for her GoPhone, one of those pre-paid phones.
She got her change from the two twenties and left. I paid for my battery and left.

As I was about to start my truck, I saw her come out of the store, followed by an older white guy. He didn’t come out with her, but after her. As if he did not want to be seen as ‘with her’.
He was a little grey haired, jeans and tee shirt. But he was too old looking to be with her and he didn’t look like her dad. He looked like a blue collar worker. She walked up to a white truck parked in front of me, it had the logo of an engineering firm on the door. He unlocked the door and she got in. Then he walked to the driver side and got in.
The whole thing just struck me as odd. Like somehow the two of them hooked up and he was buying her the phone. Like a ‘sugar daddy’. She gets a phone, he gets sex.
I think if he was the dad or a relative, then he would have been at the cash register with her; would have walked out with her.

Now maybe I am reading too much into this, but it seemed odd.

Car shopping
Two weeks later, my twenty-six year old niece called me up and asks me if I would help her shop for a car. Sure.
We stopped at a dealership where I know the sales manager(aka Hunky. Hey, Wonder-Girl and her friends named him that, not me!). Just as I am introducing Niece to Hunky, Hunky’s wife, Coconut-Girl walks in. I make the introductions, then Coconut-Girl leaves.
My Niece ended up buying a nice used car from Hunky and I think we were treated pretty well. (I hate dealing with car buying, hate it, hate it.)
I was careful explaining who my Niece was, for I did not want people to think she was my ‘Niece’ and I the ‘Uncle’.

A week later, Wonder-Girl walks into her semi-monthly girls party. Coconut-girl walks right up to her and says, “So, who is Warty’s cute young girlfriend.”
They both laughed.
--
I think about the two scenarios and despite the possible similarities, I still get a bad vibe about the young lady in Radio Shack. Something there was not right.

Happy VD

Little Shrimp
Willow
Adventure Girl
HSGF
Filet
Skinner
Daughter-Twin
Pip
Danger Girl
(she whom I dare not name)

Just wanted to wish you all a Happy Valentine's day and let you know I am thinking of you.

Zippy Lives!

For now.

A few weeks after the bastard raccoon ate our goldfish one of our friends dropped by with a small catfish that he caught. We put it in the pond. Two days later, he and his wife bought a dozen goldfish for us! They were at the pet store and thought they’d help us.
It was very nice of them, but within a week, all the fish were gone. All but Zippy. WG named it that because it was always zipping around the pond. Maybe that’s why it’s still alive.
So Zippy lives, for now. I think I need to go buy one of those fence chargers and put a little electrified wire around the pond! Yes, thousands of volts pulsing through a naked wire will teach the bastard raccoon a lesson! Hmmm…maybe I can extend it to the top of the fence? That will discourage the squirrels from eating the oranges and nectarines!. Maybe it can guard the vegetable garden in the spring?

Now I know what your gonna say, “But Warty, you had no problem with the hawk eating the little birds.”
Yes, I know. But the little birds are free. They can be very noisy and they shit everywhere! Plus all you have to do is put out some birdseed and there they are. Ponds have upkeep. Ponds are relaxing, as is the little waterfall that we have.

Yes, I think an electrified fence is the way to go.

Oh My!

They had a free electronics recycling day Saturday so I loaded the broken TV, an old Apple computer and some miscellaneous computer junk(formally Junque) into the truck and went down to dispose of it. This is a good deal since they normally charge $25 for a TV or computer. The other good thing was it forced me to seriously evaluate the Junque(aka ‘treasures’) I had and determine if they should be thrown out. Now OB and I try to keep older stuff, for who knows when you might need it? But there comes a time when you have to face facts and realize that no one wants an old 500mhz Pentium3 processor or an ISSA slot modem.
In the past, I amassed old computers and cobbled together some decent systems for YB, YS, my dad, my son, WG, Prickly and her mom. Sometimes, a person finally buys a new system and the old one comes back to me. I refurbish it and it goes on to the next family member. That is real recycling!

At least I did due diligence and tried to find a non-profit that wanted the old computer stuff. Now I can hope that the recyclers really recycle this stuff, as opposed to shipping it off to some third world country.

When I arrived there, I could see pallets and pallets of old computers! And you know that among the junk computers, there were some treasures! Boy, if I could have spent some time looking over the stuff before it was hauled away. You know that some people will buy a new computer and just junk the old one! YOU KNOW that there was some good stuff in there.
But alas, then don’t let you salvage. You drop off your stuff and as you drive away, you look longingly in your review mirror at all the good stuff that you will never get to play with.

Tails of the forbidden zone

Or, 'I said there are rules, Damnit!' (mostly)

I have told you how Tommy will not cross the kitchen floor into the rest of the house unless there are specific circumstances(rules). Someone at the front door; are you awake yet(walk time); where’s WG.
The other morning, while I was sitting at the kitchen table, putting my socks on(pre-walk), he came across the forbidden zone for a chin scratch. Now, this is permissible since he comes just far enough for me to scratch him under his chin. We do it most mornings.
Well this morning WG stood two feet from me, just outside the kitchen. She called Tommy, but he would only come as far the chin scratch mark, but no further. After all, there are rules!

So, Christmas morning and we are about to open our stockings. Our son comes into the den, and of course his dog Enzo(who has no rules) follows him in. As we are sitting there, WG comes in, turns and calls to Tommy.
And without any hesitation, Tommy walks across the forbidden zone, into the den and sits down at WG’s feet!

I am not sure if it was that our son was there, Enzo was there, or that we were all there. But it is amusing how the rules seem set in stone, but there are exceptions that only he knows about.

Undefined

I was reading my company’s harassment policy (not to be confused with a ‘her-ass-meant a lot to me’ policy), but I digress.
But I notice a couple of funny things.
1. It specifically says that you cannot harass a person about their age if they are over forty. So does that mean I can call some of my coworkers ‘youngster’, and they can’t call me ‘old man’?
2. Just what the heck is ‘Genetic carrier status’? Does that mean no Blond jokes?
Oh, I think that’s a blond joke!

Wrong word

We went to a party Saturday night at Prickly’s neighbors. It was a fun party. Good food, beer, champagne. The usual thing where you sit around and chat, swap stories, tell a joke or two.
Then we all sat at a table and began playing a game. I don’t recall the name, but it was fun. (that everyone had a few drinks under their belts made it more fun)

One of the ladies there was named Tiff. Good looking young lady, but perhaps not as young as she thought she was. She was there with her boyfriend. I think what bothered me was the little alarm that rang in the back of my mind.

So I was at one end of the table and Tiff was at the other. Fishing buddy, Prickly, and Wonder-Girl to my right. Everyone else spread around the table. At one point, Tiff looked at me and said “magnum. You look like Magnum. Is it okay if I call you that?”
“Ah, that’s what my wife calls me sometimes.”
“And Prickly says you resemble him.” Says WG.

(‘Actually’, I thought, ‘you can’t’.)
Prickly and Fishing buddy made little sexual comments about things being ‘magnum’. That’s okay, they are my friends.

But Tiff seemed to have latched on to me, usually directing questions and stuff to me. Now I don’t mind a little attention, heck, everyone likes at little attention from a good looking member of the opposite sex. But a little goes a long way. Oh sure, if you are single, it is nice. But if you are married, it makes one uncomfortable.
During one break, Tiff was chatting with WG and actually said, ‘You don’t think I am hitting on your husband? ‘Cause I’m not.’
(‘darlin, if you have to ask, you have already stumbled over the line)
I suppose if she had been sober she would have behaved better. But she sure made me uncomfortable.

It’s funny because I remember when Little Shrimp and I were chatting once on IM and she mentioned that I looked a little like Magnum P.I. and that she could call me ‘magnum’. I responded back that that’s what WG sometimes calls me.
Little Shrimp responded back, “oh, then I won’t”
From six thousand miles away she understood that it was WG’s nickname for me and therefore she could not use it.

Some women understand personal nicknames and know how to act properly, others I guess just don’t.

Seduced another

So I sent this picture about holiday decorations to NDN (next door neighbor). Her response was, ‘Don't you be getting any ideas!’

I think it’s kinda nice that she would even think that I might do this to her house. I guess it’s like Oscar Wilde once said. “I’m not saying that we should misbehave, but that we should look as if we are capable of misbehaving at any time.”

My work is done with her. Without ever doing anything, my reputation is set.

So I have seduced another to the dark side of the farce.

Shucky-darn

I think it was YS who first started using this expression, years ago. We all began using it and it means a pleasant misfortune.
Like last week. When WG made her great fudge. Unfortunately, she messed up the timing of the cooking just a little bit. The resulting batch, while tasting good, did not have the smooth creamy texture it is supposed to have.
“This is simply not good enough to share with anyone.” She declared. “You will have to eat it all.”

“Well Shucky-darn”

Justifiable homicide

So I was in the jewelry store looking for some emeralds for WG. (I had already been to six others) There was a nice earring, pendant and ring set. Simple, the way WG likes her jewelry. But WG doesn’t wear many rings because of her knuckles get swollen from arthritis. I asked the clerk if it was sold without the ring. She said no, but suggested that I could give the ring to someone.
Okay, freeze frame, and let’s think this through. A married gentleman does not give jewelry to any woman, except to his wife. Though I have a lot of women friends and they all like jewelry; they would also think it inappropriate to receive jewelry from me. Maybe the clerk thought I had sisters I could give it to? But how would I split one ring among sisters? To be fair, each would have to be given a ring.

I think the clerk just didn’t think it through.

It was like that time a lady at a store handed me a flier for a new weight loss spa. She suggested I take it home to my wife.
How stupid was this woman? What man would bring something like that home to his sweetie?
Hand that to your wife, implying that she is fat? Would you really expect to wake up the next day?

There is such a thing as justifiable homicide and you know an all woman jury would acquit her.

I did find a nice pendant and was able to find matching earrings. I hope she likes them. And if not, well then I can take her shopping after her birthday and find her something better.