Or so I’ve heard

I am sure you have been in a situation where someone says a funny line or makes a funny comment about what you’re wearing. Your brain doesn’t work and you have no answer. Then two days later, you think of a funny comeback!

Or maybe what is worse is something leaps out of your mouth and you watch it fly into the crowd and you just can’t stop it!

So last month we were at a party at Prickly and Fishing Buddy’s. It was a fun party.

At one point, we were talking about different drinks and Prickly’s dad said. “What is in a Long Island Ice Tea? There must be four or five different kinds of booze in it.”
“All I know,” I answered, “Is it’s strong enough to knock the skirt off a college coed!”
I suddenly realize what I had said, so I quickly said, “Or so I’ve heard!” (I don’t think anyone believed my denial.)

Too late. Prickly’s mouth just dropped open and she said. “Did you hear what your Husband just said? Somebody whack him!”
Some gal hit me on the arm.

But Deep Throat(long story on his nickname) just raised an eyebrow, thought for a second and said. “I like that!”

I like it too, but I’ll be a little more careful about how I use it!

Stupid Dog

A couple of weeks ago, Wonder-girl happened to wake up before the alarm went off. As she was lying there, she heard the Tommy dog cross the kitchen (the forbidden zone) and come sneaking down the hall(where he is not allowed) to see if we were awake.
He poked his head in the room, then shook his head, causing his dog tags to rattle. Then he turned around and wandered back down the hall.
It happened again last week.

Now Wonder-girl understands why for years she would wake up and see Tommy’s tail disappear down the hall! The little shit may not know what time it is, but he knows Tommy time! And when it’s Tommy time for a walk, well, he must figure it’s his duty to come wake us up.

Yes, we were warned that border-collies like to keep busy

A Shame

There is a friend of mine who takes umbrage when I call her ‘short’. But come on, 5’2”(157cm) is short, especially to a giant like me.

Hmmm…if I am ever in Cebu again, and we are walking down the street together, I know what I’ll do.
I’ll slow down just a little, glance down at her little butt and say.
‘It’s obvious that you folks don’t have any building inspectors here. It’s such a shame that they built the sidewalk so close to your ass!’

I will laugh and she will hit me.

It's not Easy!

It’s not easy, having to drive fifty miles to work each day. But that’s the way it is.
Some days, when I have to see the Dentist or Doctor, I get to work from home. It’s either that or take the whole day off. That’s a waste of vacation pay and it just isn’t productive.
And then I hear you say, “Oh you are so lucky Warty, you get to work from home!”
Well, maybe.
Sure, at home, there is some peace and quiet. No bosses looking over your shoulder. No chatting with coworkers over the cubicle walls, distracting you. But you know, it’s not easy, for there are quiet distractions.

For when I work from home, I can usually focus on my work and ignore the little noises I hear, ignore the movement I see out of the corner of my eye. But not always.

For sometimes; when I am staring at the screen, trying to organize my data, figure the formula for the next little piece of data, and WG walks by.
Broad shoulders with a yellow tank top that fits her smooth lines and gentle curves. A slim waist that tapers down just the right amount, to delicious hips that move in a way that can befuddle a man's thoughts. Blue jeans that fit over a nicely rounded tush. They say a wave out on the ocean, could never move that way.
It can’t, for this vision can sweep you away like no other.

The vision passes from sight and I turn back to the screen. ‘Now where was I?’ I try to collect my thoughts.

An email pops up, or an IM message, maybe the phone rings. I can easily take care of each one, then turn my thoughts back to the task at hand. Simple. But remove the vision that can cloud my mind? Difficult.

And back to work, move the numbers, compose the email.

And a voice from the back of the house says, “Oh my goodness, look at the time. I haven’t even showered yet. I’ll be late for work!”

My wife is far enough away not to be a distraction. But there is a little voice whispering in my head now.
‘She is in the shower, wet and ….You know what that means!’
‘Oh shut up!’ I tell myself.
‘It’s okay, you have a license!’

But I am at work, so what if it’s just a desk in the corner of my house. I am at work.
So I push those thoughts out of my head, but I can hear them mumble. ‘Oh, you’re no fun anymore.’

When I get to work from home, at times, it’s just not easy!

Have you no taste?

I guess I should not be surprised to hear that you had a sex dream. What with the way you bad-mouth you husband in public. You constantly belittle his equipment and then you complain that he doesn’t use it enough on you! Darlin, you have told him, in public, that it isn’t worth the bother and now you wonder why he doesn’t bother?

So it comes as no surprise to hear that since you aren’t getting any in real life, that you have to dream about getting it.

One would expect to hear that your dream had Mr. Hunky-stud-puppy in it. After all, I have seen the way your (and WG’s) eyes light up when he enters the room.

But Please! Having a sex dream about the Warthog? I would think you would want it to be a nice dream! Getting naked with the Warthog would be unpleasant, at best. (I am sure that most of my female friends would agree) At worst, it would be a nightmare! (no need for my readers to agree with that. :-)

Sure, I know most guys would love to hear that some good looking gal was having dreams about him. Especially if it involved wild monkey sex!

I just thought you had better taste.

The Sargasso Princess.

I have had that title on my mind for years, not knowing how to use it.
And now I can use it.

Because the way I see it, she should probably put the white flag above her door and raise her arms in surrender.

You set your course for the furthest shores And you never once looked back

Maybe not go down with the ship, but jump off and swim for another. Better to risk a maelstrom (or three), than the doldrums she seems headed for.

‘For the winds of chance, they will bear me straight’ And you spoke as though you knew

For I fear she will end up as another Sargasso Princess. Stuck in the vast warm sea that never moves.
No wind to billow her sails, no current to move her hull. Never going forward, never back. Forever hoping to reach what she can’t get to.

Better to risk a hurricane’s excitement, than aimless drifting.

One hopes she abandons the ship.

The lines and the borders are gone

I think that I have told you about how Tommy will not enter the kitchen unless there are specific conditions, like the doorbell ringing. You can drop a piece of cheese six inches from the imaginary line, just past the doorway, and he will not enter the kitchen, cross that line and eat the cheese. At least not until you leave the room.
He does the same thing at friends houses. Vinyl floors are the forbidden zone! (well, he is part border-collie)

But now we have no (vinyl) kitchen floor and the imaginary line seems to have vanished!
Tommy keeps coming further and further into the kitchen and then he lies down in the middle of the forbidden zone and watches me make dinner! Today, when I turned from the sink he was right behind me, a full ten feet into the forbidden zone!

I just don’t know what will happen when we put down the stone tile. I think there is a rift in the space-time continuum and the imaginary lines and the borders are gone!

It may be a whole new world for the Tommy-dog!

The Wedding

It was simply a beautiful wedding
And a solid, good, well-planned reception.

We got off the boat at the Couer d'Alene golf course and took our seats. We were just at the edge of the beach, the lake forming a glistening backdrop. The hot sun beating down on us distracted us for a while. (Okay, so there were rivulets of sweat pouring down my back and chest)
Then the bride arrived, looking pretty and happy. The ceremony started and the Minister sped things up. He knew we were wilting in the heat.
It was a beautiful ceremony. Hard to pin down what made it so good, but it just was.

And then we were off to the reception just up the hill. Nice shade in the huge canopy. A cold beer in my hand and I was feeling a little better. Time to mingle, get some food, sit back and look at the smiling people. Especially the bride and groom. It’s so nice to see two people who were so looking forward to their life together. And because everything was going well, they could enjoy their day.
They are smart, good-looking kids. And they look good together. It’s funny how people compare the bride to Barbie, but she does look the part. Hmmm…no one compared the groom to a Ken doll. You know, I cannot remember what the Ken doll looked like.
But I digress.

Anyway, just a wonderful day. I am glad that things went well.

Don't Even!

Don’t Even be jealous of our authentic, rustic, plank flooring! (complete with black tarpaper spots)

Wonderful looking, isn’t it. Maybe I should just put a coat of varnish on it?
Well, here is the story. About four weeks ago, the lazy-susan began to stick a little. I thought it just needed adjusting, but when I looked closer, I saw mold inside the cabinet. Not supposed to be there.
So I pulled off the lower panel of the dishwasher and saw where water had been leaking. Traced it up to the soap dispenser. When I pulled the dispenser off, I could see where the O-ring was falling apart. So off to the garage and look in my plumbing parts drawer. Sure enough, I had an O-ring that was just the right size. Within a half hour the thing was fixed.
Wonder-Girl was a little disappointed that I was able to fix it, she said wanted a new dishwasher. (ours is ten years old)
The vinyl flooring was spongy so Wonder-Girl began pulling it up and found water under it. The underlayment was also wet and falling apart. Okay, so it is time for a new floor.

It did bother me that there was evidence of a lot of water. More than I could account for by the little leak in front.

The O-ring held for about a week, then it began to drip again. I told Wonder-Girl that I was not going to try and fix it again and trust it not to leak. Let’s just get a new dishwasher. (that made her happy)

So when I pulled out the dishwasher, I found that there was another leak at the drain in the wall. Our dishwasher has it’s own drain since it is too far from the sink.

And I find that there was a recall on our dishwasher because of the front leak. Seems that Maytag has had a few catch fire. The nice thing is that we will get $75 off the new dishwasher.

So three weeks ago, we tear up the old underlayment. I am sure that you know what that is like! It took us two days. I kept pressuring Wonder-Girl to choose between vinyl flooring or ceramic tile. I needed to know so I could buy the right underlayment.

Wonder-Girl made her decision, tile, and we bought a bunch of Hardi-back and I spent last weekend putting that down. And we put down tar paper again as a moisture barrier. It worked really well before.
We were supposed to leave for vacation on the Friday, but we postponed it till Monday. That gave me the weekend to get the underlayment down.

Monday morning, jump in the car and drive 900 miles to Spokane, Washington. (okay, we did it in two days. I didn’t want to drive 16 hours in one day!)

So we fled the floor and it’s problems. We can forget about it as we watch the preparations for our niece's wedding.