Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Never at the crossroads, simultaneously


Never at the crossroads, simultaneously

We were talking on the phone once, during one of our annual calls, when she asked me a very odd question; “If I had asked you, would you have married me?”
In a fraction of a second, which was all I had, I reviewed all the times we were together, the break up and all of the subsequent times our paths crossed, either on purpose or accidental and gave her my honest answer.
“Yes.”
“I was just wondering.” Was all she said.

You were just wondering? Like, ‘I was just wondering if I should have another glass of water’? I do wonder what was going through her mind at the time. Was she looking back on her choices in life, the choice that led her away, the choices that kept leading her to reach out to me, reconnect and sort of try again? Until we lost touch with each other, and then, by the time our paths crossed again, it was too late for you?
Because, when I look back, it was always you who came back to me, if only for the weekend.

Perhaps I look at things differently. Once it’s over, it’s over. We tried, in our own fumbling teenage ways. Sometime after you went off to college, you decided that the long distance thing was just not working, so you decided to end it.
So, it was over and I moved on.
And you kept finding me.

I know that when circumstances end something, it never truly ends.

So I wonder if, at that point in your life, you were looking at ‘might have beens’? Were you wondering if you did the right thing? Maybe, if you tried harder, asked me the question, things might have turned out differently? So you reached out to once again, to touch the maybe, feel the warmth, and reassure yourself that the 'maybe' was still real.

I hope that it was just because you were curious, not that you were having troubles. Because there is nothing I can do for your troubles…except be your friend.

And I never want to think that you might have made an error in your selection. For I know that I didn’t.
And I don’t want to think of you, lying in your bed at night, wondering if your life would have turned out better, if only it was me lying beside you.

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